Holding space for others can be an act of kindness or an act of self-destruction and sometimes it’s hard to figure out which is which.
I was recently guided by the divine to let go of the trauma that the father energy produced in my life. I was honestly confused by this. I’m not on speaking terms with my father and I’m not exactly grieving about the relationship, and honestly, I love that he’s out of my life. I wasn’t sure why I was being told I needed to let go of more trauma, and even though this didn’t make sense to me I still spent several weeks accepting and acting on the signs I was given.
Through the inspiration and signs, I discovered lost parts of myself. The insight I was experiencing wasn’t about letting go of trauma but about finding myself. I had found talents and memories I had buried deep in my subconscious while I was trying to free myself of anything that reminded me of my father. Even with all this self-remembrance, I didn’t find any grief that I needed to heal, I only found self-empowerment and happiness. I was finally accepting the lost parts of myself and it was amazing.
After weeks of self-remembrance, I had an important conversation with a friend. My friend asked me about a situation from the past that my father was involved with. This situation was something I had talked about hundreds of times before without much feeling. It wasn’t a serious question but it struck a chord this time and anger and resentment started to finally release. The weeks of self-acceptance and self-remembrance permitted me to release my anger. I began writing about why I was angry until I had 6 pages of horrible things my father had done. I realized I could either hold onto all of this, or print it out and burn it, or print it out and mail it.
I knew a big part of the anger was from my dad getting away with treating me poorly. I felt isolated even though I had told so many people about all of this in the past. All of them dismissed his behavior and hid it from his mother (my nana). I decided to print out the letter twice and mail it to both my nana and my father. I wrote an extra letter to my nana asking for her love, forgiveness, and support.
The day after mailing the letters I woke up with a soft breeze in my head where I previously felt a heavy, crinkly, scribbly block. I was no longer holding space for my father and now I was holding space for myself. Holding onto trauma had caused me to lose myself. The act of accepting myself allowed me to let go of trauma. As I began to find my talents, memories, and hold space for myself I naturally pushed out space I was holding for my father’s horrible treatment of me.
