Autumn is just around the corner, and everyone around me seems to feel this energy shift. We’re in the process of bidding farewell to the active summer season, welcoming the liminal space of autumn only to later dip deep into the reflective and meditative space of winter. Sometimes, with significant universal shifts like the seasons, big internal changes may crop up.
Over the last few weeks, I have had internalized changes. With my internalized changes, I’ve gained a better understanding of my boundaries and communication styles. Intellectually, I have always understood my boundaries. I have always understood that there are many ways of dealing with social dynamics, and any one style is not perfect or right within any given situation. I have always understood that within challenging social dynamics that tackling a social issue comes down to someone’s mental capacity at that time. I have also always understood that communication is tricky and confusing and that retaining all the dynamics of any given situation can be difficult. All of this solidifies that the world isn’t black and white.
I had an experience earlier this month that reminded me of an important lesson I learned in my lifetime of therapy. What I learned is I need to practice discernment with what I share, with whom I share, and how I share. Not everyone has the mental capacity to hold the pain or difficulties that you may be going through, and that’s ok. It doesn’t make them any less of a person, it just means that they aren’t right for the things that you want to share.
Communicating with those who have not experienced the world as you have can be an isolating experience. It makes it difficult to share things that you can no longer hold onto. In my case, I was having difficulty dealing with the stresses of everyday life, my partner’s job, and supporting a friend who’s going through a crisis, and I needed a safe space to talk about these difficulties. When I was finally able to vent, I was met with reminders to hold my boundaries, and told that I wasn’t expressing myself the way I should, and I was given solutions that were not relevant to my problem. All of the advice I was given would have been amazing for someone who has a different set of boundaries and values. That conversation was a reminder that sometimes boundaries, self-expression, and solutions aren’t that simple.
An important thing to remember when we’re checking in on our boundaries is to allow emotions to lead. I’ve written about it before, but all emotions are there to help you gauge where your boundaries are. A lot of people talk about anger being an important gauge for boundaries, but I rarely feel it the way others seem to feel it. I did grow up with difficulties, but anger paired with feeling bad or overwhelmed wasn’t a reaction I would have, and that is because not everyone is the same. Normally for me, anger is a fleeting feeling, and just expressing my frustration is enough for the emotion to pass, it’s not something that I hold onto. Sometimes it’s wildly inappropriate and may even be triggering for others to express frustration or anger, and that’s exactly the issue I was having earlier this month.
I was in a situation where I needed to practice patience and allow the space for others to adjust themselves to the things that they were processing. No amount of my self-expression would have added to this adjustment period, it would have dragged it out and made it more difficult. Sometimes anger is there for us to reflect on our actions rather than someone else’s behaviors. Sometimes the boundaries that need to be made are less about changing physical or emotional access to yourself, and more about how you react to what you have perceived as angering. However, this is not to dismiss anger being a gauge for when something crosses a line. This is why discernment is an important tool for emotional growth, not everything is black and white.
In my personal and work life, I have an easy time expressing myself, holding boundaries, and processing emotions. Those I share my space with, my clients, and the medical professionals that I work with have expressed this as well. This past month was a reminder to keep perspective and continue practicing discernment with others. It was also a reminder that change takes time, growing pains are difficult, and it’s important to give grace to not only others but also myself.
Within the autumn’s liminal space, I hope to welcome profound growth within my discernment and find more people to invite into my personal community and support structure. Having the opportunity to examine these social dynamics where the feeling of being overwhelmed wasn’t playing a significant role has been freeing. I’m grateful for the conversations I had earlier this month because I have been able to examine my feelings about my boundaries in a way that helped me understand where I am in this season of my life.
What are you leaving behind in the active season of summer, and what are you bringing into the liminal space of autumn? Are you starting a dream job and leaving behind fear and self-doubt? Maybe you’re standing up for yourself and finding your voice. Ask yourself, who do I want to be, and what do I want my life to look like? Whatever these answers are you will discover powers that you never knew you had. The next question to ask is how you plan on utilizing your new found powers.
